So I’m trying not to let my fears stop me. Made the mistake of weighing myself again and I’ve gained another pound but I looked in the mirror the other day and I was surprised to see that my shirt I have been wearing was much longer on me than it usually is. I’m choosing to believe that I am getting in better shape and losing weight, the scales just not reflecting it. The real test is when I have to go away this weekend and I’m going to miss one of my daily workouts because I’m not coming home until late Monday night. I’m just going to accept the fact that Tuesday will hurt and then I’m going to get back into my routine. I often wonder if I’m OCD because having a routine saves me. I hate to be rigid but I feel like if I allow myself any kind of slack on this kind of routine that I’m like the bad kid in school and I’ll do something to get myself expelled. I really just wish I could get a teaser or fast forward image of what I’ll look like if I stick with this routine for three months, six months, or even a year. I just think that that would keep me more motivated. But that’s not going to happen and I have to motivate myself without skipping ahead.
Even though I don’t see any real change yet I have to keep telling myself it’s only been almost three weeks and although I am working super hard, it took time for me to get this heavy and it’s going to take time for me to get back into shape. I get so mad at myself when I’m working out especially when the teacher calls out to do a motion or movement that I am not able to do physically. I have no sympathy for myself, and I find myself mentally berating with all kinds of negativity. I’m trying to stop that but it’s really hard. So I am trying to celebrate the small changes that I have noticed in the three weeks that I have started this workout routine. For example when I first started I couldn’t hold a side plank at all, meaning I couldn’t even lift my hip up off the ground. I just lay there, struggling like a fish out of water, gasping for air and praying that the instructor wouldn’t notice. Yesterday Not only was able to get my hip off the ground comma but I held it for three excruciating seconds before I dropped back down. I hope that is progress because if it isn’t, then I’m going to be sad.
There’s so many things I’m still struggling with in my life and I’m thinking that this new workout schedule and new mindset to simplify everything can only be helpful. I find it my time while I’m working out is actually quite relaxing because the only thing I’m thinking about is my next breath or my next movement, and I don’t have the energy to think about anything else. I think simplification will be the key for me in this 39th year and using things like my working out as a touchstone to Center myself.