Coming to the end of week 7

So I’m coming to the end of the 7th week of working out 5 days a week. Today is really a struggle because I have a sore knee from class yesterday and I walked a ton as well. But I’m up and dressed, and I’m on my way to Boxing class. This is the first time that I’ve really wanted to skip because I was feeling sorry for myself for feeling hurt, but I’m not going to skip. It’s only an hour and then I will swim which will help my knee. I am going to take it easy on the walking today and go get my nails done instead to celebrate. I still really haven’t dropped that much weight other than the initial to pounds but I can definitely tell a difference in the shape of my body and my fat seems looser if you know what I mean. There’s still so so much of it it’s depressing. Not that I thought that it would go away immediately but I guess I’m even fatter than I thought I was.

Small victories though I am able to hold a plank for a full minute plus I am able to do side planks much longer than I used to. I’m still struggling with any kind of jumping because of my knee and I don’t do kick outs or burpees for the same reason. But my squats are getting very strong. I have to believe that this is working even though I’m not thinner. But something is improving in my physical life otherwise I am killing myself by working out and passing out on the couch pretty much every night because I am so tired by the end of the day. I can’t wait until the moment my exercise routine actually gives me energy instead of takes it away. I know I seem like I’m complaining but I have no one else to complain to but this blog. My friends and family are all tired of me asking if they can see a difference yet because they all say yes but I know that they are just telling me that to keep me shut up.

They say by week 8 people should really start seeing a difference so we will see. And yes I have taken my measurements there just isn’t a dramatic difference at all. 


Its moving!

Omg… so for the FIRST time in almost two years,  the scale is moving down!! I don’t care if its water weight or fake weight or Shake Weight, it is moving down! I am halfway through the first week of carb cycling and through the end of week 6 of boxing and finally my weight on the scale is starting to change. Keep in mind that it is small, around 3 pounds but I don’t care and it could just be a variation in the scale but once again I don’t care it is moving down. For me this is a victory! So I’m keeping up with it yesterday was very hard because I had a chest cold and I still have it but I’m still doing my workouts. I just can’t believe that something is actually happening scale wise. 
I’m feeling smaller even though my clothes aren’t looser I do feel like they are fitting better. Maybe my body is finally starting to work with me instead of against me. Who knows? But I am going into that boxing club yet again and will continue to do so and continue to make sure my body knows that I’m the one in charge. I was grocery shopping the other day and literally told myself that I am the one who’s in control of what goes into my cart and what goes into my mouth and I just have to keep remembering that. Thank you to anyone who’s actually read this complaining little blog. Just knowing you’re out there makes things even better.

Week 6 beginsĀ 

Well today is the first day of my 6th week of exercising 5 days a week with my boxing class and swimming after. I have also started on carb cycling and I made it through the first day yesterday with relatively little discomfort except for a horrible headache. I’m really hoping the carb cycling really kick-starts my actual fat loss because I’m feeling pretty good with doing just the exercise but I would like to see my results move even faster. I’m trying to keep in mind that it takes at least 8 weeks for Visible results to keep happening, but I’m not a patient girl. I mean who is? Today also marks the first day that I’m bringing Christina with me to class so she can experience just how horrific my boxing class is. Somehow I think it’ll be fun but she’ll also probably want to punch me for real later in the day when she’s really sore.

I woke up a couple days ago the sore throat but I’m not letting getting sick stop me from working out. I’m trying to cling to my routine and I find that the actual hardest days that I have are my Saturdays and Sundays because they are the days that I don’t go and workout. Is this what a habit feels like?

I’m also getting a treat today to reward myself for completing 16 workouts. So I’m taking myself to the spa and getting a facial. I’m ridiculously excited about this and I went ahead and counted out more workouts on to my calendar and scheduled more treats. Yeah yeah, I know I’m basically a Pavlovian dog but I don’t care. 

Also I caught a glimpse of myself yesterday in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I felt I looked smaller, so I weighed myself again and once more the scale has not moved not a single pound. I hate that thing.

The scale is a lie

I’m coming towards the end of week 5 of working out and I’m really starting to notice some changes in my body. My butt is higher, I have so much more strength in class and I just feel like things are fitting better.  Not bigger just fitting better. 

In general I’m feeling pretty good about myself oh, I’ve even switch to wearing tank tops instead of baggy t-shirts to workout in which is a huge step for me. But then I was a total dumbass and decided to step on the scale this morning.

I haven’t lost a single pound. Still up over 334 pounds. What the actual fuck.

I know it was a mistake to weigh myself but I was feeling good and I wanted to see if the scale reflected that. 

I should have known that bitch was my enemy.

But I made the choice today not to be discouraged, but to just make the decision that I am equally exchanging fat for muscle and that must be the reason why the scale said what it did. I am starting a carb cycling program on Sunday so we will see how that goes. And I’m on my way to my boxing class right now. In the past I would have let that scale determine whether or not I was going to have a good day. But not today Satan.

Today I’m going to box, I’m going to swim, and I have a gig tonight and nobody’s going to tell me that I don’t look better than I did before, not even a piece of crap machinery. 

Major milestone (for me)

Although I haven’t lost any significant weight today marks a huge leap forward in my progress. I am wearing a tank-top to class and I feel pretty cute. I repeat I am wearing a tank-top to class and I feel pretty cute. If you have never met me in person you may not know that I never ever show my arms unless I’m under extreme duress or in a swimsuit. I also never wear shorts but that’s a milestone I have yet to feel comfortable reaching.  I had found a very cute workout tank top at Walmart and bought it on a whim never thinking that I would ever actually wear it in public or at least not for several months. But today all my other workout shirts are dirty because I had not had a chance to wash them and I decided to try on the tank top. Yes I had bought it without trying it on, don’t ask.

It. Fit. 

Not only did it fit, it actually looked really cute so I am screwing up all my courage and I’m going to wear it to class today. This is a personal victory and it serves to keep pushing me towards my goal. I’m one day in on week 5 and although the workouts are still killing me, it is in the best of ways. This is going to work. I just know it.

Every little bit countsĀ 

I’m going into week 4 now, and I might be imagining things but I’m starting to see some changes in my body, thank God. A picture was taken of me this weekend and for the first time I didn’t absolutely want to throw up at the side of myself. I’m still fat and I don’t expect that I’m not going to be fat, but for the first time I look I don’t know what you would call it maybe firmer? I weighed myself this morning and for the first time I actually saw the scale go down by two pounds. Plus I am seeing some strength progression with my exercising such as the ability to actually get into a side plank even though it was just for maybe two or three seconds. I’ve been off for the last 3 days and it feels like a lifetime. I know it is just my brain getting in my own way but I’m absolutely terrified about how bad this is going to hurt. But I should know that it’s going to hurt because it hurts every time, and if it didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be working. 

I’m driving my partner crazy with all the questions about if they can see if my body is changing or if I look different and God bless them, they always say yes. At least they know to keep telling me that I’m doing a good job because I’m spending enough time knocking myself down. Is it bad that I kind of hate taking days off from working out? I know that I have to rest but I miss it and I miss my routine, it’s like inertia  gets the worst of me and the days when I come back are the hardest because  it would be so much easier to just stay home and sleep a little more. 

It is pouring cats and dogs right now, and I’m sitting outside the gym like I always do when I write these entries. Time to take a deep breath and go inside and dedicate this time to me. 

Another day, another workout

So I’m trying not to let my fears stop me. Made the mistake of weighing myself again and I’ve gained another pound but I looked in the mirror the other day and I was surprised to see that my shirt I have been wearing was much longer on me than it usually is. I’m choosing to believe that I am getting in better shape and losing weight, the scales just not reflecting it. The real test is when I have to go away this weekend and I’m going to miss one of my daily workouts because I’m not coming home until late Monday night. I’m just going to accept the fact that Tuesday will hurt and then I’m going to get back into my routine. I often wonder if I’m OCD because having a routine saves me. I hate to be rigid but I feel like if I allow myself any kind of slack on this kind of routine that I’m like the bad kid in school and I’ll do something to get myself expelled. I really just wish I could get a teaser or fast forward image of what I’ll look like if I stick with this routine for three months, six months, or even a year. I just think that that would keep me more motivated. But that’s not going to happen and I have to motivate myself without skipping ahead.

Even though I don’t see any real change yet I have to keep telling myself it’s only been almost three weeks and although I am working super hard, it took time for me to get this heavy and it’s going to take time for me to get back into shape. I get so mad at myself when I’m working out especially when the teacher calls out to do a motion or movement that I am not able to do physically. I have no sympathy for myself, and I find myself mentally berating with all kinds of negativity. I’m trying to stop that but it’s really hard. So I am trying to celebrate the small changes that I have noticed in the three weeks that I have started this workout routine. For example when I first started I couldn’t hold a side plank at all, meaning I couldn’t even lift my hip up off the ground.  I just lay there, struggling like a fish out of water, gasping for air and praying that the instructor wouldn’t notice. Yesterday Not only was able to get my hip off the ground comma but I held it for three excruciating seconds before I dropped back down. I hope that is progress because if it isn’t, then I’m going to be sad.

There’s so many things I’m still struggling with in my life and I’m thinking that this new workout schedule and new mindset to simplify everything can only be helpful. I find it my time while I’m working out is actually quite relaxing because the only thing I’m thinking about is my next breath or my next movement, and I don’t have the energy to think about anything else. I think simplification will be the key for me in this 39th year and using things like my working out as a touchstone to Center myself.

Today is not a good body day

Have you ever had a bad body day? Like,  nothing fits, nothing looks good,  nothing feels comfortable? Today is one of those days for me.  I have been dropping everything in my hands,  bumping into things,  being terribly clumsy. Today’s boxing class was way more difficult than it should have been.  Plus there were people  just hanging out and chatting in the lap pool, just taking up space. I know I’m complaining a lot right now,  but this is me hitting a wall.  Mentally,  physically,  emotionally. The only thing i can think of doing is continuing with my routine. Don’t quit. Just hold on to your pattern. 

But I’m feeling every moment of the struggle today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

Mondays suck

 So I take my rest days on Saturday and Sunday. I know that probably isn’t the best schedule but it is what works for me. I am entering week 3 of my new workout routine and I have to say that even though Mondays are the worst, I am still keeping up with things. I can’t tell a difference in my body yet but I am trying to give myself a fair chance. It did make my heart happy to hear my trainer say that he can tell an improvement and I will say looking back from the very first day of boxing class today I am able to even attempt and accomplish most of the exercises that are done in class. So even though the scale which is my Nemesis says that I’ve had the nerve to gain for more pounds I am taking this as a victory. I plan on taking my measurements after the end of this week. Because my boxing club has a promotion going that if I do 16 workouts in 30 days I get my orientation money back, so this Friday will mark workout number 16 in three weeks. I figured that’s as good a milestone as any to check my progress. I just can’t wait for the day when I see real Improvement in my body and not what I perceive as imagined Improvement. I know it takes time but I feel like I don’t have that much time left in my life. I don’t have a reason to feel that way , i  just do. I don’t want to go into my 40th year feeling like my body is my worst enemy.